Just so y'all know, i've decided i'm having a baby soon.
well, soon as in the next year or two.
Don't think I'm feeling all willy-nilly about this.
Last month I was supposed to move to Africa,
this month I'm having a baby. I understand your skepticism.
However, I'd like to say that this idea
has been floating around in my mind for some time.
Well, like most people, I've been thinking about it for
my entire life.

As I sit here writing this, I want to say "It really started with..."
and i just keep going back further and further.
Iran is a good point of departure. Being there hit me on so many levels...
Religion, my identity as woman, my father and my family were
all things i meditated over, and thought about while reading Hafez on
the bus we drove across the Islamic Republic of Iran.
It was Nooruz, Persian New Year, so the all of Iran was bubbling over
with large groups of extended, happy families spending time together,
and inviting us to share this time with them.
I also realized that I took so many pictures of kids and babies that I couldn't
help but think about when children would start to come into my own life.

Over the summer, I went to Scott's brother-in-laws house
for brunch, and came away totally wanting to get married and
have a baby. That Sunday of being in their home, seeing their family,
and just being apart of it all moved me so deeply.
I thought about them, their home, their lives for months...I still do.
When I decided to go the Amsterdamn for graduate school,
I was having some serious internal conflict.
As I said to a friend later, I was struggling with
two sides of myself, the side that wants a family of my own,
and the side that wants to go into the world and do my
part to make it better.
I decided to move forward with my studies because it was easier.
And of course because learning is a passion of mine.
When to opportunity for Libya came up,
I decided to take it because it seemed all things were pointing
towards a life that didn't include my own family...at least for right now.
I thought, maybe I should just work to do what I can to make the world
safer for other people's families. And secretly, I thought maybe
there's someone there for me.
Maybe in North Africa I'll find the peace and love
I've been searching for.
Right before I left, I met a man. Our conversations opened me
up to many ideas and feelings...ideas and feelings i've been
processing since we met 3 months ago.
Since then, I've been working so hard to make changes in my life,
and to be the person who can have openly move and expand my life
in the ways that I've dreamed of.
With all the changes that were happening in my life,
I was feeling prime to work out some serious shit....the final obstacles
that I was allowing to hold me back from complete happiness.
The bad habits, the unhealthy way of dealing with things that scare me,
not putting the past behind me and allowing it's tragedies to keep me from
trying to love again.
Behaviors are born of feelings.
Identifying the feelings, and the negative behaviors
associated with them has helped me see that I don't act and respond to
events in my life in a negative way because it's the right or natural thing to do.
I respond out of habit, out of a need for protection, out of fear...but inside
there's always part of me that's been trying to break through.
For too long, and mostly when it's convenient,
I've let fear and skepticism override love
and compassion in guiding my life and actions.
It's been difficult to realize that it's easier to live
with fear than to try take the leap of faith to push past it.
And I say complete happiness because I've been very happy in my life.
I love my life, but I'm also ready to move into the next phase of it with no fear
(or the normal about of fear that comes with love).
I've had such a full life, I've fulfilled almost every dream of my single life
that i set out to accomplish, so i'm ready to expand into a new phase.
Since I've been back in SF, I've been staying with friends til I can find a studio.
(Which will be soon!) I stayed with Trav, which was so awesome.
I'm so happy that we've reconnected, and he had so much to do
with alot of this processing.
Then I moved to Alex and Beth's. There, I was with an entire family...
Alex, Beth, baby Ian, and Laura, Beth's sister.
I love it, I love Ian. I saw their love and their challenges, and i talked alot with
Beth about life and family. I also recently had dinner with my friends
Jamal and Ginger and their 2 boys Raji and Kis.
Raji is 4, Kis is 6mths old. I've known Ginger and Jamal for at least 5 years now...
I met them when they were just hooking up.
Now they have 2 kids and are preparing to
move to Jordan, where Jamal's family lives.
They have a house there, and will have an easier, simpler life to raise
their family and just be together. And when I was holding baby Kis, when
i was watching Ginger feed him, and Jamal hold him, it was just like, yes.
Seeing Beth's family, and spending time with Ginger and Jamal,
i just see that it's all interconnected...my single life, my future
family life. My want for my family, and my desire to make a contribution to
a better life for others too. It's all one in the same...and whatever i wanted in my life
to this point, I've found away to make it happen.

So for the moment, I may still have an easier time writing things than
saying them, or need reassurance and attention when
I should be feeling confident on my own, but I am aware that
working to change these things will bring me rich rewards.

I've been on the road to find out, and as Yusuf Islam says
"the answer lies within, so why not take a look now?"

As i move forward, I'm taking the advice of a
close friend to guide me:

Be safe, Be good.
You'll be fine.
Take things slow.
Don't think too much.